Why Is Saying “No” So Hard For Me?

Saying “no” after past hurts and traumas can feel almost impossible when you have been hurt in the past or grew up in a family where boundaries or limits were not respected. It can feel like pushing past someone without stopping to apologize. It feels mean, harsh, cruel, or rude to set limits or say “no.” It may even feel awful to set boundaries or prioritize your needs. This is especially true if you had experiences where your “no” was not respected or it even felt you had no right to say “no” in abusive situations.

Learning to say “no” though is an essential part of healing and protecting yourself because otherwise you may find yourself experiencing similar hurts or traumas or find yourself repeating patterns that developed when you were in traumatic situations.

So how can you improve your ability to set boundaries and say “no” when you need to?

5 Ways To Practice And Improve Your Ability To Say “No.”

1. Identify the barriers to saying “no.” Is it that you fear the reactions of others? Do you feel you have to have a good reason to say it? Once you know the reason, you can shift your self talk around this to things like “no is a complete sentence, I don’t need a reason.” If you fear reactions you can look at what you would need to feel safer standing up for yourself. Do you need a friend with you? To know warning signs to look for so you know when to leave?

2. Practice situations with someone you trust and get more comfortable saying “no.” Many of us find it very uncomfortable to say “no” and we freeze in the moment. not knowing what to say so practice can help a lot.

3. Recognize there are levels of “no” you can give. You can give an absolute “no” as in there is no condition in which you would say “yes.” You can give a firm “no” with conditions that have to be met in order to change to a “yes.” And you can give a “no” and then negotiate with them to get what you need. As you can imagine each may get you a different reaction.

4. Notice your tone of voice with each “no” you give. We often say “no” with varying degrees of firmness or flexibility in our tone. A more flexible tone leaves more room for them to argue with you.

5. Build your confidence in saying “no” though building positive self talk around everyone deserving to be able to say “no” and then make it more specific to yourself. You may need to start by telling yourself you are learning to believe you have a right to say “no” when you want to. It may also be helpful to go to therapy to work on this specifically or address past traumas contributing to it in trauma therapy.

I hope this information helps you understand how to work on being able to say “no” when you need or want to. I also hope it helps you realize trauma therapy could be helpful to help you work on this more deeply. If you are interested in learning more about the trauma work I do or EMDR in general you can find out more about the EMDR or other approaches I use here. If you are interested in the EMDR Intensives I do you can find out more about them here. If you are just feeling stuck and have questions, please feel free to call me at (707) 954- 7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is going on for you and to help direct you to the right person to help you.

Trauma and The Inner Critic

For anyone, silencing our inner critic can be very difficult, but for those that have past hurts or traumas, this can feel impossible. Believe it or not, there’s a good reason for this. Our brain’s job is to predict and all day long it is analyzing situations and asking two questions. 1) Have I been in a similar situation before? And 2) Was it safe or dangerous?

If the answer is that it was dangerous, fight or flight, freeze, or even shut down can happen as our brain assumes we may not be safe again. But what does that have to do with being self critical?

Well, “the critic,” if you will is a prevention strategy that was originally to prevent you from repeating negative patterns, but it can take on a life of it’s own and become how you see yourself or we can even convince ourself that being critical of ourselves is how we know we are a good person.

However, this results in feeling awful about ourselves and often increases our anxiety and depression. So what can you do to change this?

At it’s core, this is an issue of lacking the ability to have compassion for yourself, self love, and nurture yourself.

So what are some good ways to practice self love, compassion, and self nurturing?

1) Acknowledge your inner voice is trying to help and keep you safe. This often reduces the intensity of the feelings associated with the thoughts.

2) Address the thoughts from a more rational, grounded, and caring place. Remember this part of you is trying to help, it’s just misguided as it is based in the past. Then replace those thoughts with more helpful positive beliefs or if that feels too hard, neutral ones. You can also start a belief with “I’m learning to believe . . .” such as “I’m learning to believe I am good enough.”

3) Practice exercises like breathing or mindfulness while breathing in compassion, love, peace, and comfort while letting go and breathing out the criticism, judgement, shame, sadness, anxiety, etc.

4) Practice good self care and ways of nurturing yourself by doing things that soothe your body. This may be things like getting a massage, sitting in a hot spring, or everyday kinds of things such as resting when you need to, listening to soothing music, or soothing your five senses with soothing images, sounds, smells, flavors, or textures.

5) Try to work toward giving yourself grace when you make mistakes and try to work on forgiving yourself for past mistakes. This usually requires repetitive practice. Forgiveness is not a one time event, but a process.

6) Talk to a trauma therapist about ways to work on past traumas that are contributing to the pattern and to work more deeply on your self criticism.

I hope this information helps you understand how to work with your inner critic in a different way. I also hope it helps you feel like trauma therapy could be helpful to help you work on this more deeply. If you are interested in learning more about trauma work or EMDR in general you can find out more about the EMDR or other approaches I use here. If you are interested in the EMDR Intensives I do you can find out more about them here. If you are just feeling stuck and have questions, please feel free to call me at (707) 954- 7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is going on for you and to help direct you to the right person to help you.

Why Do I Get So Angry And Why Do My Reactions Not Even Make Sense To Me?

Have you ever had a quick reaction of anger to a situation that didn’t even make sense to you? Like you know your over reacting, but that doesn’t help you calm down! And how can you help people around you understand when they ask what is wrong, when you don’t understand it?

So What Can I Do?

1. The first thing you can do is figure out what the trigger is or what the anger is in response to. Anger at it’s root is a way of saying “no” to something or “stop.” It’s telling people you do not like something that is happening. This is also often connected to attachment hurts with important people in our lives where we felt rejected or judged. It also can often relate to boundaries or limits we have set being crossed.

2. Once you know the trigger, you can figure out what from your past connects to this. This is often helpful to do with a therapist as this can be hard to figure out sometimes.

3. Then you need to figure out what things can help to soothe your anger, but also the other emotions that you become aware of as you identify the trigger and memories connected to it. This may mean positive relaxing activities or soothing your five senses. Soothing your five senses is often very important as when we get upset we can become agitated or easily irritated and soothing sights, smells, touches, tastes, and things we can hear can really help. It can also be important to find ways to release anger through releasing body or emotional tension.

4. It is also important to find ways to address the triggers and memories and many types of therapy can help with this such as CBT, Somatic Approaches, or EMDR. One of my favorite is EMDR as it can really help connect a pattern in your life to all the triggers and memories and help you reprocess them from being very upsetting to not being upsetting and being part of the past rather than something that keeps showing up.

   I hope this information helps you understand how anger is about much more than simply being angry or losing your temper and often connects to triggers or things from our pasts. If you are interested in learning more about trauma work or EMDR in general you can find out more about the EMDR or other approaches I use here. If you are interested in the EMDR Intensives I do you can find out more about them here. If you are just feeling stuck and have questions, please feel free to call me at (707) 954- 7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is going on for you and to help direct you to the right person to help you.

5 Things Family and Friends Can Do To Help While I Work On Healing

Your first response might be to say they can’t help as healing is personal to each person and a journey we each have to do for ourselves. However, while this may be true in some ways there are actually things important people in your life can do to help.

Things That Are Helpful:

1. Gently support them and ask the person doing the work what would be helpful. Continuing through life as if the work they are doing is not difficult or taxing is not helpful. Validating the work they are doing as important and expressing being proud of them can help too.

2. Be understanding that the work they are doing may leave them tired. Especially if they are doing work like Eye Movement Desensitization or Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR) where they are reprocessing memories which means their brain is working hard to make sense of past memories and traumas. This is even more true if they are doing an EMDR Intensive or multiple hours of EMDR in one day.

3. Be genuine, if you are unable to be supportive, encourage them to be around others who can be supportive as you work on your own things.

4. Consider if doing a couples or family session may be helpful to better understand the work they are doing.

5. If there are relationship issues, it often makes sense to hold off on addressing them until after trauma work as doing it during trauma work just tends to trigger past traumas and makes it hard to resolve current issues.

I hope this information helps you understand how best to support a loved one that is doing trauma work or if you are the one doing trauma work, helps you explain to a loved one what you need. I also hope it helps you feel like trauma work is more doable with this support. If you are interested in learning more about trauma work or EMDR in general you can find out more about the EMDR or other approaches I use here. If you are interested in the EMDR Intensives I do you can find out more about them here. If you are just feeling stuck and have questions, please feel free to call me at (707) 954- 7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is going on for you and to help direct you to the right person to help you.

Is There Any Way Off This Emotional Roller Coaster?

The good news is that yes, there are ways off the roller coaster of emotions. Here are some good ways to work on getting off the roller coaster.

1. One of the most important things to do is when having a lot of emotional highs and lows is learning to do calming strategies when anxiety is high such as grounding or soothing your senses and using energizing strategies when feeling sad or low such as movement, exercising, or dancing etc.

2. Find things that increase feelings of safety in your life. Emotional highs and lows often relate to not feeling safe and flight, flight, freeze, or shut down reactions happening. This means you are living in a survival response. This can be simple things like an alarm at your home or having pepper spray when out and about.

3. Recognize your triggers is also important so that you can either prepare for them or plan to soothe yourself after being around them.

4. Reaching out for help from your support system when you need it is also helpful. If you do not have a strong support system, you could think about ways you could strengthen it by spending more time with others and nurturing your connections. Feeling supported helps us a lot when we are struggling.

5. Addressing the past hurts that are contributing to your reactions is key as well. It is important though that you not rush into this and do it when you are feeling able to cope with this after developing coping skills to help with any issues that come up. This may mean therapy or alternative means of healing. Specifically, if you choose therapy, this likely will mean an approach like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy) or somatic approaches as talking about trauma is often not enough. Body memory needs to be processed as well.

I hope this information helps you find some ways to get off the roller coaster. If you decide to pursue therapy as a way to address the past hurts and current struggles, I hope you are able to find a therapist that is a good fit for you in Eureka, CA. This may include weekly therapy or doing Intensive therapy to have more healing in less time by doing therapy for longer periods of time such as 3 or 6 hours at a time. If you are still feeling stuck, please feel free to call me at (707) 954-7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is going on for you and to help direct you to the right person to help you. If you are looking for anxiety counseling, depression counseling, or trauma informed counseling, you can read more about how I help here. If you want to know more about my intensives, you can read more about them here.

What Is An EMDR Intensive?

Have you ever wished for a faster way to work through past hurts and traumas? I am sure many people have. EMDR Intensives are essentially longer sessions of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy), instead of an hour, they are often 3 hours or 6 hours which allows you to get more done in less time. Let me tell you about the four things I love about this approach.

Four Things I Love About EMDR Intensives and How They Can Help You Heal

1. The first thing I love about EMDR Intensives is that it allows you do to a large chunk of trauma work in one day. If you are wondering what EMDR is, it’s a type of trauma therapy that reduces how upsetting past memories are and has a body and attachment focus which can help calm your brain and body and help you feel more able to connect to others as you begin to heal. If you would like more information on EMDR, you can click here.

2. The second thing I love about EMDR Intensives is that by doing EMDR as an intensive, this lets you feel better faster, which I’m sure is something we all want. There is no need to wait to see the changes you have wished for so long.

3. The third thing I love about EMDR Intensives is that an EMDR intensive can be the big bang that gets everything moving or it can be in addition to what therapy you are already doing. It can also for some people be their preferred way of doing therapy. Either way, doing an EMDR intensive can provide the results that usually take months of individual weekly sessions in just a few days.

4. The fourth thing I love about EMDR Intensives is that there is time for a deep dive. You get to cut out all that pressure of doing everything in an hour. This allows so much more to be accomplished.

I hope this information helps you decide if an EMDR Intensive is right for you. It is also true though that each EMDR Intensive therapist may work a little differently so it is important to find someone that is a good fit for you in Eureka, CA. If you are still feeling stuck, please feel free to call me at (707) 954-7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is going on for you and to help direct you to the right person to help you. If you are looking for anxiety counseling, depression counseling, or trauma informed counseling, you can read more about how I help here. If you want to know more about my intensives, you can read more about them here.

Have Your Ever Wished Your Thoughts Came With A Pause or A Stop Button?

There are around 50,000+ thoughts that we have every day and when you have anxiety or depression, these thoughts are very troubling as they stress you out and often happen so fast you almost feel dizzy or these thoughts can have you feeling sad or terrible about yourself. For some people, they can even be experiencing both anxiety and sadness.

But what can you do?

These thoughts are so hard to fight and your likely already exhausted from racing from one worry to another or have little energy to work on changing your thoughts due to your depression.

At it’s heart, these thoughts are a mindfulness problem. Being mindful relates to your ability to enjoy the present moment, which anxiety does not let you do as it has you living in the future and wondering “what if this happens and then if that happens, what will I do if this other thing happens . . .” Depression also does not let you enjoy the present moment as we focus on all the past things we regret, what’s happened to us, or why we have lost our hope.

True enjoyment though can only happen in the present.

I dare you, to try to really be happy and enjoy yourself in the past or future. Oh, you can reminisce about a great moment in the past or anticipate one in the future, but it is only a shadow of how good you can feel in the present. For example, imagine you plan to eat ice cream tonight, are you enjoying it more anticipating it or when you eat it later?

So how do I enjoy the present moment more?

Here’s some ideas you can try:

1. Notice the present moment experience, really sensing into the experience using your five senses to really enjoy what you see, hear, feel, taste, smell, can touch, how connected you feel to others, or how you enjoy a moment alone, etc.

2. Use mindfulness skills to slow or stop your thinking for awhile. There are so many mindfulness practices I could not possibly list them all, but some to look up and try might be mindful eating, walking, focusing on your breath or a part of your body, focusing on an object, etc. The key is to focus on the steps involved in the activity you choose or the details of it. For example, if you choose walking, notice lifting you leg, how you place each foot, does heel or toe happen first, pause, then notice you other leg. You are single mindedly focusing with all your mind on what you chose to focus on.

3. When you practice being mindful, its super important to Single Task! (Absolutely No Multitasking!) Multitasking keeps our thinking brain moving.

4. When you get distracted by your thoughts, and I guarantee you will if you are new to training your brain in this way, try your best not to judge yourself, but to gently and with self compassion bring your attention back to what you are focusing on. And if you do judge yourself, try your best to not to judge your judging.

5. Practice radical self acceptance and self compassion, viewing what shows up as helpful information for you, instead of valuing it as good or bad.

I hope these tips help you better manage your thoughts of anxiety and depression and allow you to better experience the beauty of the present moment. It is also true though that some people feel more able to practice mindfulness when it is guided so that may mean finding a therapist or person skilled in mindfulness that is a good fit for you in Eureka, CA. If you are still feeling stuck, please feel free to call me at (707) 954-7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is going on for you and to help direct you to the right person to help you. If you are looking for anxiety counseling, depression counseling, or trauma informed counseling, you can read more about how I help here.

Why Do I Feel Like I’m On An Emotional Roller Coaster?

Have you ever felt like you were on an emotional roller coaster of anxiety and depression with extreme highs and lows? It can feel like a repeated pattern of panic and heaviness or shut down, so many refer to it as the roller coaster they want to get off of. There is also a reason why this keeps happening that is important to know about.

Why Does This Keep Happening To Me?

The highs often include what we call hyperarousal. This is something that is hard to define as we all experience it differently. It may include your heart beating faster than normal, difficulty catching your breath, feeling dizzy or light headed, shaky, trembling, sweaty, or tense. The reason it is hard to cope with this feeling is you are outside your “window of tolerance” or the space in which we cope well and process information. Above this window is anxiety and panic feelings and below it is a feeling of low energy, low motivation, not wanting to move, feeling shut down, and lethargic. This low is called hypoarousal.

What can be really hard to cope with is when both happen which is often the case and is what creates the roller coaster feeling of going high with anxiety and panic and then crashing into exhaustion and feeling shut down.

This is also often made harder by past traumas or hurtful experiences as this tends to shrink your window of tolerance smaller and smaller with each new trauma so you feel less and less able to cope with stressful situations than you used to. You may even get frustrated with yourself and wonder why you cannot cope with it like you used to.

So What Can I Do To Get Off This Emotional Roller Coaster?

The good news is there are things you can do that will help such learn techniques such as mindfulness, grounding, or how to increase your energy in your body. These techniques will help you stay in your window of tolerance so you can function better and you can even learn to widen your window back out so you can cope with more things. This often involves experiential activities. These are also good things to ask a therapist about when you do your initial consultation so you can find out if they know the approaches to help you with this as some may specialize in this and others may not.

I hope this helps you better understand the emotional roller coaster of anxiety and depression we sometimes go on and gives you some ideas on how to find the right therapist for you in Eureka, if you are ready to take that step. If you are still feeling stuck, please feel free to call me at (707) 954-7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is going on for you and to help direct you to the right person to help you. If you are looking for anxiety counseling, depression counseling, or trauma informed counseling, you can read more about how I help here.

How Trying To Find A Therapist Is Like Calling The Cable Company

It may sound strange to compare the two, but there really is a similar feeling. You know you need to call and that it is important to call and get help, but it can be so hard to pick up the phone and call. Now, the hesitation is likely for different reasons, but both are very difficult calls to make.

So Why Is It So Hard To Call A Therapist?

Many reasons may be part of it including it being hard to ask for help, being worried they won’t understand, maybe fear of being judged, or even fear of what they may tell you. Or maybe it’s something else that concerns you. The important thing to know is that not every counselor is a fit for every client, and that’s ok. Just like not everyone you date is a good fit for a life partner.

But how do you know when a therapist is a good fit for you?

This in some ways may depend on a particular expertise your looking for, but often it comes down to your preferences- do you like someone to give feedback in a very direct way or do you like to be given examples to help your understand something or do you learn best by visuals or experiencing the coping skill in the moment?

Therapy is a very personal choice so it should be with someone you can connect with and who helps in a way you learn best. Don’t be afraid to ask how they help or express how you learn best. Most therapists welcome this information and are very willing to explain their approaches to helping.

I hope this helps you find the right therapist to help you in Eureka. If you are still feeling stuck, feel free to call me at (707) 954- 7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening for you and help direct you to the right person to help you. If you are looking for help with anxiety counseling, depression counseling, or trauma counseling, you can read more about how I can help here.

Do I Have Traumatic Grief?

Grief is probably one of the hardest things we cope with in our lives especially when we have more than one loss in a short time span. It can include many things beyond grief over a death such as when we lose a relationship and feel abandoned, in divorce, times when we feel disconnected, or even for some other reasons. We all tend to grieve differently too. Grief often includes intense feelings of sadness, anger, fear, and anxiety. The fear and anxiety usually relate to being afraid of being hurt again.

So How Does Grief Become Traumatic?

Grief can become traumatic when the loss is sudden or shocking. Traumatic grief includes the above as well as trauma symptoms or the emotional distress of numbness, intrusive thoughts (thoughts of the loss when you don’t want to think about it), disbelief, distrust, anger, emptiness, and a sense of futility about the future. Sometimes it may feel as if almost every aspect of your life has been altered in painful ways from how you sleep, eat, socialize, exercise, work, act with your family, or even how you listen to music.

So What Do I Do If I Have This?

Partially, you will grieve from the loss as you usually do, but you will also want to utilize trauma approaches to address the fear and/ or feeling frozen in fear when triggered. Trauma approaches that can help with this are: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR), Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TFCBT), and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, among others. EMDR and Sensorimotor use a “bottom up” approach (meaning focused on body sensation, movement, or on the five senses rather than thinking). This can be helpful as trauma is often stored in the body as body memories. Trauma is often noticed as body sensations that don’t make sense initially. This helps to begin to self regulate again and reduce stress and tension. This also helps with fight, flight, or freeze reactions too, especially one where you do not know why you are reacting.

I hope this helps you find the right therapist in Eureka. If you are still feeling stuck or have more questions about this, feel free to call me at (707) 954- 7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening for you and help direct you to the right person to help you. If you are looking for help with anxiety counseling, depression counseling, or trauma counseling, you can read more about how I help here.

Why Does Trauma Make It So Hard To Be Present With Those I Care About Now?

This is a great question. The answer though is a little complicated. When we have hurtful experiences we often develop anxiety or depression or we can even have memories intruding on the present or be having flashbacks where the past event feels like it is happening again. This, as you can imagine, makes it hard to focus or concentrate on the present moment, leaving the present moment feeling hazy, unclear, or unfocused. There may even be fight, flight, or freeze survival responses being triggered by reminders of the past event(s) that make it even harder to stay present.

It could even be you are experiencing something we call dissociation. Dissociation is a protective thing our brains do to “check out” of an overwhelming situation and limit how much information we take in. This often happens when survival responses are not an option. Such as when in danger and you want to fight or run away, but feel this would put you or someone you care about in more danger so instead you mentally “go away.” Children often do this as they often are unable to fight or run away due to their size or other elements. If you can’t get out, the only other choice sometimes is to check out. The difficulty is once your brain starts doing this, it continues to do it and it gets easily over time to quickly check out more often.

So What Can I Do To Not Check Out?

The good news is there are techniques to help you stay more present, but the bad news is they are hard to do on your own. I know I probably sound like a therapist saying this, but this is a complex issue that usually needs the guidance of a therapist. And not just any therapist, but one trained in dissociation. This is because it is hard to use a strategy when you are already checked out. For that reason, when working with someone with this issue, it is often important for them to identify a support person that can coach them on the techniques, at least initially. Later, after you have more practice, it becomes easier to do this for yourself. The strategies themselves are often easy to implement. They usually involve noticing your environment around you or how you feel in your body. This tends to bring you back. I suggest if you are going to try this though that it is done first with your therapist in case there are triggers you need to be aware of. For example, many who have experienced trauma have difficulty being aware of their body and this itself can be a trigger.

I hope this helps you better understand why it might be so hard to stay present, focus, or concentrate after having a hurtful experience. If you are still feeling stuck, feel free to call me at (707) 954- 7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening for you and help direct you to the right person to help you. If you are looking for anxiety counseling, depression counseling, or trauma focused therapy, you can read more about how I can help here.

5 Tips On How To Help A Loved One Cope With Their Anxiety

Helping someone you love cope with anxiety can be a complicated issue as we are all different in how we experience anxiety, stress, or worry, and in what helps us feel better, but here are some general helpful tips on how to be supportive to someone with anxiety.

1. Listen With An Open Mind And Avoid Phrases That Could Feel Like They Are Being Rejected or Judged. Some examples of phrases to avoid might be “why do you feel that way?” or “that doesn’t make any sense.” People with anxiety often already feel something is wrong with them so this can trigger higher anxiety and cause them to not feel supported or understood.

2. Ask What You Can Do To Help Them Cope Better. This is often specific to the person. For instance, one person may find a hug comforting and helpful, but another person may find this triggering and want space to calm themselves while wrapped in a favorite blanket. So asking what helps them best is very important.

3. Ask If Any Of Your Habits Or Things You Do Stress Them. This is very important as people with anxiety often worry about being a burden to those they care about so they often hold this information back due to not wanting to upset those they care about. The trigger could be a phrase you use or the way you do something. A common one for many people is a touch that surprises them such as someone touching your shoulder before you notice them, but it could be anything.

4. Avoid Raising You Tone Of Voice. It’s common when we care about someone that has anxiety to get worried about them and raise our voice, but this often triggers anxiety to escalate as anxiety tends to feed on itself. If you have ever been in the room with two anxious people, you will have noticed both get more anxious unless they do something to help them both relax.

5. Learn Grounding Techniques. Grounding techniques are ways to help someone stay focused on the present moment. So you will ask them questions about what they are sensing right now. For example, “what colors do you notice is this room?” or “can you hear the heater and TV?” or “as you touch the couch, what does the texture feel like?” As you may have guessed from these questions, the key is to use the five senses to have the notice things around them. This is because it is very difficult to focus inward on anxiety and outward on your environment at the same time. If you focus on your environment, the feeling of anxiety lessens. Mindfulness is also a good way of doing this, such as paying attention to details as you do an activity like mindfully eating and noticing the different flavors. These techniques are especially helpful with panic attacks.

I hope this helps you with some ideas on how to support someone you love with their anxiety. If you are feeling stuck or feel the person you care about may need counseling, feel free to call me at (707) 954- 7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to the right person to help you. If you are looking for help with anxiety counseling, depression counseling, or trauma counseling, you can read more about how I can help here.

What If Talking About Traumas and How I Feel Just Brings Up Everything and I Don’t Feel Better?

I have always found this to be a very interesting question and a valid concern. If what you are looking for in counseling is a quick fix and you have had a lot of painful things happen to you, therapy may not make you feel better right away although learning coping skills can help a lot with coping with your emotions as you work on healing. It’s important to remember healing takes time, as anyone who has broken a bone can tell you.

Another element of this question that is important is how much healing do you want to do. Sometimes we don’t want to heal everything, just enough so we can function better, and that’s ok. I like to think of healing trauma as having three options, cleaning the table, cleaning the room, or cleaning the house. If we clean the table we are likely only concerned with present triggers, if we clean the room we might want to address the way trauma is impacting a relationship or one area of our life, but not do everything. If it’s the house, you are working on healing all the trauma.

If I could give some advice to those looking for counseling, it would be to recognize your strengths and what areas you may need to learn coping skills in prior to doing trauma work. Doing the prep work first, helps the trauma work go so much easier. It’s still hard work, but you will feel supported through the process and able to cope and work through the emotions and thoughts that come up.

I hope this helps you find the right trauma therapist for you in Eureka or online. If you are still feeling stuck, feel free to call me at (707) 954- 7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to the right person. If you are looking for help with anxiety counseling, depression counseling, or trauma counseling, you can read more about how I help here.

Why Do I Have So Much More Anger Than I Used To?

Lately, it seems more and more people are reporting feeling more irritation, frustration, and anger than in the past. Is it the pandemic? Being stuck at home more? What is causing this?

Well, the answer to that is often more complicated that you would think. You see, anger is what we therapist’s like to call “a covering emotion.” Think of an umbrella with anger as the umbrella and all the other emotions under the umbrella (see image above). When looking at the umbrella all you see is anger, which is often what happens in relationships as well, but in reality that person has a complex mix of other emotions just under the surface of that such as sadness, anxiety, shame, feeling worthless, powerless, or hopeless, fear, jealousy, feelings of abandonment, rejection, feeling judged, disconnected from those you love, feeling misunderstood, and like you do not matter to those most important to you, just to name a few.

It is also important to keep in mind that the reason many of us like anger, is that it feels strong and powerful where other emotions feel vulnerable maybe even weak and we often fear exposing these emotions to others in case they are not trust worthy and hurt us, so instead we hide these emotions.

Why Is It Important That Anger Is A Covering Emotion? How Does Knowing That Help Me?

It is helpful to know that anger is a covering emotion as the only way to truly reduce anger is to address the cause which is what triggered it and the emotions it covers up. Otherwise, you can calm yourself, but the anger comes back. Anger management techniques can definitely help to manage this strong emotion, but to truly heal and reduce anger- it’s cause must be addressed. This may be something that can be done with some self reflection or you may need the help of a counselor. It often helps to have an outside perspective whether this is a family member, friend, or counselor.

I hope this helps you find some of the answers to your questions around why you might be feeling more angry lately and also helps you decide whether you may want to seek out a counselor. If you are still feeling stuck feel free to call me at (707) 954- 7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to the right person to help you. If you are looking for help with anger, anxiety, depression, or trauma, you can read more about how I can help here.

Five Things You Can Do When The Past Doesn’t Stay In the Past

Have you ever had something happen to you whether it was a big event or small event, and felt “why am I not over this yet?” or “why does this keep coming up?” This is often because we feel others expect us to get over it or we expect it of ourselves. This is not surprising as many view mental health like physical health. If you break your leg , you wear a cast, heal, and move on. If you are hurt mentally though, your injury is invisible and others may think you are “ok” when you are not. Like a broken leg, people often think , “ok, you’ve been depressed for six weeks, now you should be healed.” Mental health does not work like this. There is no time table as everyone heals at their own pace. There also is no my “pain” is not as bad as someone else’s so “I should be healed by now.” Healing is more complex than than that and depends on things like your strengths, emotional wounds, and your support system.

So What Can I Do To Help Myself Heal?

1. Increase Your Support System Or Be More Open With Your Support System About What You Need. A good circle of support is essential to the healing process. A lack of a good support system is a contributing factor to people developing PSTD when they have experienced trauma. One thing that can increase your support system is a support group or self help group.

2. Work On Distinguishing The Past From The Present And Be Aware Of When The Past Is Interfering In The Present or Your Relationships. I often hear others say I “freaked out for no reason.” This is not really true, your past was triggered by a present event. Being aware of this pattern can help you to change it.

3. Learn Coping Skills To Help Regulate Your Emotions When You Get Triggered. There are many great coping skills that can help- grounding, deep breathing, learning to shift from one emotional state to another, learning to contain emotions that feel too big, and shifting from negative beliefs about yourself like “it’s my fault” to positive beliefs, just to name a few.

4. If The People That Hurt You Are Still In Your Life, Consider If Limiting Contact Would Be Helpful. This may or may not be helpful given the situation, but especially when trying to heal it can be important as prior to healing their presence can be very triggering.

5. Consider If Counseling May Help. The above steps can also be done in counseling, but specifically resolving traumas you are struggling to get past or feel continue to impact you each day can be helpful to do in therapy. There are also types of therapy that specialize in this, including TFCBT (Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) which you can find out more about here. My favorite is EMDR as it tends to work more quickly to resolve traumas and build strengths. TFCBT can also be helpful especially for children and their caregivers that want to know how to help support them.

   I hope this helps begin your healing process. If you are interested in counseling, I hope this helps you find the right therapist, whether you are interested in doing in person counseling or online therapy. If you are still feeling stuck feel free to call me at (707) 954- 7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to the right person to help you. If you are looking for help with anxiety counseling, depression counseling, or trauma or PTSD counseling, you can read more about how I help here.

Is Your Stress Level Rising?

One of the most common reason I hear for why people feel their stress is rising, is the lack of control they feel in their lives right now. It can feel like your emotions are running your life instead of you being able to manage them. Whether your trigger for your stress is the election, pandemic, racial tensions, or normal everyday stressors, it can feel like your life is spiraling out of your control. Especially with the way the rules can change everyday with the pandemic and what restrictions need to be followed to reduce how quickly it spreads. It can feel like everything has changed, especially our holidays this year. Right now, we all have plenty of reasons we could list as to why we are more stressed out.

So What Can I Do About This?

1. Sometimes we focus so much of our energy on what we have no control over, like when will the pandemic end. However, there are many things we do have control of and remembering these things can help us cope better with the things we cannot control.

2. Identify some things this year that help you feel good, calm, happy, or whatever emotion you like to feel. I recommend identifying a lot of things and then you can pick and choose which ones to increase in your life.

3. Make a list of the things you are thankful for in your life.

4. Admitting we need help is often the first and the hardest step, but it often stress relieving just to acknowledge you need help because then you can decide what kind of help will help you the most

5. Seek out support when you need it whether that be a friend or family member or setting up a time to talk to a counselor.

I hope this helps you find a way to cope with your stress, anxiety, and depression that may be heightened right now with everything that is going on. I hope it also helps you to recognize when you may want to reach out to counselor in Eureka. If you are still feeling stuck and not sure what to do, feel free to call me at (707) 954- 7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening for you and help direct you to the right person to help you. If you are looking for help with anxiety, counseling, depression counseling, or trauma counseling, you can read more about how I can help here.

Who is Counseling For? How Do I Know If It’s Right For Me?

Many people have a very specific sense of who counseling is for and who it is not for. So often I hear people say I can’t go to therapy, I’m not crazy, that’s for people who are crazy. Or they will say only people who need medication go to counseling.

The stigma around mental health services is real and often stops people from seeking the help they may need to heal and get better.

The truth is that counseling is for anyone that could benefit from learning skills to help them manage daily stresses, their thoughts and feelings, and past hurts that are getting in the way of having the life you want to have today.

I hope this information helps you find the right therapist whether you choose to do in person therapy on online counseling. If you are still feeling stuck or have questions, feel free to call me at (707) 954- 7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening in your life and help direct you to the right person. If you are looking for help with anxiety counseling, depression counseling, or counseling for trauma or PTSD, you can read more about how I can help here.

Online Therapy In California and Oregon For Skeptical Trauma Survivors

Online counseling brings up many questions for people with past hurts or traumas that want to start healing. Can past hurts or traumas truly get better? And if they can, is it really possible for healing to happen through online therapy? Below you will find some facts that I hope put your mind at ease that you can heal from your past and yes, it can be done online.

Reasons Why Online Therapy Really Can Help You Heal!

1. Technology Has Made Advances That Make It Just As Effective As In Person Therapy. Video sessions make it possible to see and connect with each other and your therapist can still share assignments and coping skills with you that you can practice in the video session and throughout your week.

2. Just About Any Therapy A Counselor Would Do In Person Can Be Done Online. It may look a little different, but I honestly cannot think of an intervention I would do in the office that cannot be done online. Even somatic or EMDR interventions can be done online. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy can be done online. Anger management skills can be taught online. Relapse Prevention skills for substance use and addictions can be done online. Marriage and family counseling can be done online. Play Therapy and Art Therapy can be done online. And I can tell you from doing trauma work both ways, that it works just as well both ways. In fact, some people say they prefer online as it gives more distance between you and the counselor which can feel more comfortable for some, especially those with social anxiety.

3. Online Counseling Gives Your Therapist More Information And This Helps Them Create Better Interventions For You. As you are often in your home or somewhere you are comfortable, people often are more open and interactions between family members become more clear which helps your therapist know better what might help you and your family heal.

4. For Those With Busy Schedules Or Who Are Caregivers, It Can Be Less Stressful That Planning How To Make Therapy Fit Your Schedule. For many, it can be a relief to not have to worry about how to get from one place to another on time and it is nice to have one less thing to stress about.

5. A Nice Side Benefit Of Doing Counseling From Home Is Having Things Around You That Comfort You And Make Talking About Painful Things Easier. So many people tell me how it comforts them to have their pet with them or be talking about trauma while petting their cat or dog. The same is true of having a favorite blanket or pillow or the comfort of sitting on your own couch where you are comfortable. This helps regulate your brain and can keep you in the present rather than feeling you are back in the past as can often happen when talking about past hurts.

   I hope this information helps you find the right therapist whether you choose to do in person therapy on online counseling. If you are still feeling stuck or have questions, feel free to call me at (707) 954- 7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening in your life and help direct you to the right person. If you are looking for help with anxiety counseling, depression counseling, or counseling for trauma or PTSD, you can read more about how I can help here.

Can My Anxiety Really Get Better?

One of the biggest struggles of anxiety is often this feeling that you will always feel this way and nothing will make it better. This makes it even harder to reach out for help from counselors or mental health agencies whether it is online or in person. The truth is that your anxiety can get better and you can start healing and getting relief from your anxiety. So what do you need to know to find the right person to help you learn to cope with your anxiety?

What Can Help Me Cope With My Anxiety?

1. Coping Skills. Therapists can teach you skills to help reduce your anxiety and help it feel more contained and manageable so it does not interfere with your life.

2. Address Past Memories That Are Fueling Your Anxiety. How do I know if this is happening for me? If your anxiety feels out of proportion to what is happening in your life, this usually means past memories are contributing to how your feel. This is because the brain tries to predict based on our past. So your brain is basically saying, “we have been here before and last time it did not go well.” There are types of therapy such TFCBT, EMDR, and Somatic Therapy that can help address this pattern and help you change your present reactions and help you change how you respond in the future.

3. Notice Patterns In Relationships. Some relationships also fuel our anxiety. Have you ever noticed that around some people your anxiety can spiral more quickly? Or how their emotions can increase the strength of your own emotions? This often involves learning boundaries in therapy to help you set limits in your relationships.

4. Recognize Your Triggers. We all have things that “take us there” emotionally so it’s important to know what takes you from 0 to 60 emotionally speaking. For example, is is loud noises or someone raising their voice to you or is it something else?

5. Remember That Anxiety Does Not Heal In An Upward Graph Pattern But More Of An Up and Down Wave. Many people are surprised when after a good few days of little anxiety, their anxiety returns. Progress in mental health is not a strait line of improvement, but rather that instead of consistent anxiety, you now have episodes or time periods of anxiety and in between these times you have relief or less anxiety. This is important as people can often feel when this happens that they are not making progress due to the feelings coming back. But contrary to how it seems, this is a sign of healing.

   I hope this helps you find the right therapist to help you with your anxiety in Eureka, whether this is in person or online. If you are still feeling stuck feel free to call me at (707) 954- 7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to the right person. If you are looking for help with anxiety counseling, depression counseling, or trauma therapy, you can read more about how I can help here.

Online Counseling Questions & Answers For The Skeptical

If you are like most people, you may feel skeptical of online therapy and whether it works as well as in person therapy. Telehealth often brings up some very understandable hesitations and questions. Below you will find some information to help put your mind at ease and let you know what to expect if you decide to do online counseling.

Frequently Asked Questions About Telehealth

What Is Helpful About Online Therapy and Why Would I Choose this Over In Person Therapy?

Online counseling is helpful when you have a busy life that makes scheduling difficult, if the therapist you want to see is not local, you are following stay at home orders or prefer to do therapy from home, need to reduce transportation time, have caregiving responsibilities that make attending therapy difficult, or have social anxiety and are more comfortable doing counseling from home.

But Isn’t It Hard to Set Up?

No, it actually pretty easy to set up. You can use your phone, tablet, or computer to do video therapy. You can then talk to your counselor as you usually would. It’s that easy!

Is It Really Confidential Though?

It absolutely is confidential. We maintain strict confidentiality standards for your protection, meaning your therapist will not share your information. This means sessions cannot be recorded. Sessions are either provided from the office or a therapist’s home in a way that ensures privacy.

But Will My Insurance Cover This?

Most insurance plans provide coverage for telehealth just like in person therapy. While this may be at your regular copay, coinsurance and/or deductible, there are often variations based on your plan or policy. I encourage you to call and find out your exact benefits. Many insurance plans are currently waiving copays and coinsurance costs during COVID-19.

But I Am At Home With Limited Privacy, What Can I Do?

This can be very tricky to figure out with families being together at home now more than ever before and parents home schooling. Some people like to meet for virtual sessions while on a walk, sitting in their car, in a particular room or place in the house that is quieter, or from their backyard. Often a therapist will adjust their schedule to try to find a time that is less busy for you, maybe by having sessions on different days or at different times than they usually would. You can also try using headphones which can help to limit distractions.

I’m Still Not Sure It’s Right For Me, Should I Wait Until I Can See A Therapist In Person?

Unfortunately, it is hard to say when Covid-19 and social distancing will end. While many therapist may be offering both online and in person with safety precautions with masks and social distancing, many also prefer online therapy at this time. Connecting with a counselor via telehealth is a good way to get started on your healing journey. This is even more important during these stressful times.

But Does Online Counseling Work With Children? Couples? Family Therapy? Trauma Work?

Telehealth is effective with children, but it may require some extra preparation by the therapist and the parent to make sure they have the supplies to do play and art activities. It also can often be helpful to have the parent participate in the session. Couples Therapy and Family Therapy can work very well with online counseling provided you can set up a private place in the home or elsewhere to do this that will minimize interruptions. Trauma work can also be done very effectively online. Both EMDR and TFCBT can be done this way to help both the client and the family heal by learning coping skills and by working on desensitizing traumas so they no longer bother you.

I hope this helps to answer your questions about telehealth and online therapy in Oregon and California. If you are still feeling stuck or have questions about whether it is right for you, feel free to call me at (707) 954- 7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to the right person. If you are looking for help with anxiety counseling, depression counseling, or trauma counseling, you can read more about how I can help here.