I Know I’ve Had Some Bad Experiences In The Past, But Why Is It So Hard To Be Present With Those I Care About Now?

This is a great question. The answer though is a little complicated. When we have hurtful experiences we often develop anxiety or depression or we can even have memories intruding on the present or be having flashbacks where the past event feels like it is happening again. This, as you can imagine, makes it hard to focus or concentrate on the present moment, leaving the present moment feeling hazy, unclear, or unfocused. There may even be fight, flight, or freeze survival responses being triggered by reminders of the past event(s) that make it even harder to stay present.

It could even be you are experiencing something we call dissociation. Dissociation is a protective thing our brains do to “check out” of an overwhelming situation and limit how much information we take in. This often happens when survival responses are not an option. Such as when in danger and you want to fight or run away, but feel this would put you or someone you care about in more danger so instead you mentally “go away.” Children often do this as they often are unable to fight or run away due to their size or other elements. If you can’t get out, the only other choice sometimes is to check out. The difficulty is once your brain starts doing this, it continues to do it and it gets easily over time to quickly check out more often.

So What Can I Do To Not Check Out?

The good news is there are techniques to help you stay more present, but the bad news is they are hard to do on your own. I know I probably sound like a therapist saying this, but this is a complex issue that usually needs the guidance of a therapist. And not just any therapist, but one trained in dissociation. This is because it is hard to use a strategy when you are already checked out. For that reason, when working with someone with this issue, it is often important for them to identify a support person that can coach them on the techniques, at least initially. Later, after you have more practice, it becomes easier to do this for yourself. The strategies themselves are often easy to implement. They usually involve noticing your environment around you or how you feel in your body. This tends to bring you back. I suggest if you are going to try this though that it is done first with your therapist in case there are triggers you need to be aware of. For example, many who have experienced trauma have difficulty being aware of their body and this itself can be a trigger.

I hope this helps you better understand why it might be so hard to stay present, focus, or concentrate after having a hurtful experience. If you are still feeling stuck, feel free to call me at (707) 954- 7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening for you and help direct you to the right person to help you. If you are looking for anxiety counseling, depression counseling, or trauma focused therapy, you can read more about how I can help here.