Saying “no” after past hurts and traumas can feel almost impossible when you have been hurt in the past or grew up in a family where boundaries or limits were not respected. It can feel like pushing past someone without stopping to apologize. It feels mean, harsh, cruel, or rude to set limits or say “no.” It may even feel awful to set boundaries or prioritize your needs. This is especially true if you had experiences where your “no” was not respected or it even felt you had no right to say “no” in abusive situations.

Learning to say “no” though is an essential part of healing and protecting yourself because otherwise you may find yourself experiencing similar hurts or traumas or find yourself repeating patterns that developed when you were in traumatic situations.

So how can you improve your ability to set boundaries and say “no” when you need to?

5 Ways To Practice And Improve Your Ability To Say “No.”

1. Identify the barriers to saying “no.” Is it that you fear the reactions of others? Do you feel you have to have a good reason to say it? Once you know the reason, you can shift your self talk around this to things like “no is a complete sentence, I don’t need a reason.” If you fear reactions you can look at what you would need to feel safer standing up for yourself. Do you need a friend with you? To know warning signs to look for so you know when to leave?

2. Practice situations with someone you trust and get more comfortable saying “no.” Many of us find it very uncomfortable to say “no” and we freeze in the moment. not knowing what to say so practice can help a lot.

3. Recognize there are levels of “no” you can give. You can give an absolute “no” as in there is no condition in which you would say “yes.” You can give a firm “no” with conditions that have to be met in order to change to a “yes.” And you can give a “no” and then negotiate with them to get what you need. As you can imagine each may get you a different reaction.

4. Notice your tone of voice with each “no” you give. We often say “no” with varying degrees of firmness or flexibility in our tone. A more flexible tone leaves more room for them to argue with you.

5. Build your confidence in saying “no” though building positive self talk around everyone deserving to be able to say “no” and then make it more specific to yourself. You may need to start by telling yourself you are learning to believe you have a right to say “no” when you want to. It may also be helpful to go to therapy to work on this specifically or address past traumas contributing to it in trauma therapy.

I hope this information helps you understand how to work on being able to say “no” when you need or want to. I also hope it helps you realize trauma therapy could be helpful to help you work on this more deeply. If you are interested in learning more about the trauma work I do or EMDR in general you can find out more about the EMDR or other approaches I use here. If you are interested in the EMDR Intensives I do you can find out more about them here. If you are just feeling stuck and have questions, please feel free to call me at (707) 954- 7060 for a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is going on for you and to help direct you to the right person to help you.